Gushyingiranwa bishyira gatanya! Dore icyo abahanga babivugaho

Ubwo umuhanga witwa John Gottman yashakaga umuti w’ikibazo cy’amakimbirane asa n’aho ari amwe, aterwa no kumvikana hagati y’abashakanye nyuma yo gushyingirwa, yabonye ko hari ibimenyetso bibiri by’ingenzi bizakwereka ko umubano wawe, uri kwerekeza kuri gatanya.

Muri 2005, Gottman, umuyobozi wa Gottman Institute, abinyujije mu kiganiro yakoze, yavuze ko abashakane badakwiriye kugira guhangayika, ahubwo bakwiriye gufata umwanya wabo bakawukoresha bashaka igisubizo cyakemura amakimbirane bafitanye. Uyu mugabo yavuze ko: "Bakwiriye kwirinda kubatwa n’intekerezo zica intege hagati yabo, no kwirinda icyatuma badakemura amakimbirane bafitanye ubwabo".

Ese ni gute wamenya niba uri kwiruka inyuma y’ubusa cyangwa ngo usobanukirwe neza niba koko uri mu bibazo hagati yanyu? Gottaman yarabisobanuye.

1.Kubatwa n’intekerezo zica intege, bizana impagarara hagati y’abashakanye.

“Gutandukana kw’abashakanye kugenwa na bo ubwabo nyuma yo gutangira kwijandika mu ntekerezo zicana intege, ntibabe bagishoboye gukomeza kurema umubano wabo hagati yabo”. Gottman.

Kuri aba bantu babana, kwisanga muri izi ntekerezo ni nko kwisanga mu nyubako bororeramo imbwa, ha handi uba udashobora kwikura. Biba byoroshye kuhinjira ariko kuhava ntabwo biba byoroshye kuko n’uburyo bwose bagerageza gukoresha akenshi burabagora bikangira byanze.

Gottman, yakomeje agira ati ”Ibi ni byo bizana gatanya hagati yabo. Umwe muri bo atangiza intonganya, ariko nta n'ubwo yongera kwibuka kuzihosha”. Igihe watangiye kureba uwo mubana ukamubonamo uruhande rubi kurenza urwiza, ni na bwo uzatangira kugira ubwoba, utangire guhangayika. 

Umugore wawe cyangwa umugabo wawe, akwiriye kuba umwunganizi wawe, umukunzi wawe ndetse n’inshuti yawe: Amagambo acana intege rero, niyo akuraho uwo murunga wakabaye ubahuza mwembi. Gottman yavuze ko urugo rwamaze kugeramo icyo kigeragezo, rudashobora kuramba na gato. Ruzahita rurangirira muri gatanya, nyuma gato rushinzwe.

2.Niba udaha umwanya uburyo bwo gukemura ayo makimbirane, iteka ugahitamo kutemera, gatanya iri gukomanga iwawe.

Ahari ushobora kwishuka ugatekerezako uburyo bwiza bwo kuraho amakimbirane ukumva ko ari uguhakana cyane ubwo ubwirwa, cyangwa guhangana n’uwo mubana, gusa Gottman twibanzeho muri iyi nkuru, yavuze ko ibi aribyo bizawangiza cyane. Yavuze ko no mu gihe wabihosheje, bitazafata igihe ngo byongere bigaruke. Iyo amakimbirane yaje, ntabwo muvugana, ntakuganira kubaho hagati yanyu mwembi, niho uzasanga bamwe batakirara hamwe kandi barashyingiranwe.

Inama yatanzwe na Gottman, irumvikana cyane, yaravuze ati ”Ntuzaceceke, muzaganire kugeza mugeze kugisubizo. Mu gihe uri kuganira n’uwo mubana, singombwa ngo uhore usubiramo ijambo rimwe buri kanya. Icyiza kurenza ibindi mwirinde intonganya cyangwa intekerezo zica intege  hagati yanyu.

Inkomoko: YourTango